[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
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Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
I’ve had relationships like this
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies