[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
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Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?