Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
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I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]