When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
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I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
wtf management?!
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO