Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
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me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?