Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
You Might Also Like
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?