Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
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[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
So, can we agree on 4 or
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Does your wife know you’re single?
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
How about daylight saves us for once
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Hey Fugeddaboutit
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️