Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
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When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
and this one
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.