@Fred_Delicious: Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
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@DaddyJew: Don't spill it Don't spill it Don't spill it Don't spill it Don't spill it My kitchen now has a lake - me trying to fill up my ice trays
@TheAdly: Why is your ass split vertically? Because if it was split horizontally it would clap when you're going down the stairs.
@bazecraze: A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
@krisv_723: Friend: What’s with all the extra guests? Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries. *Linger starts to play*