@Fred_Delicious: Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
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@TheBoydP: Interviewer: Any questions? Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
@JasonLastname: Cop: How much have you had to drink? Me: Like six carrot juices Cop: Please step out of the hamster wheel
@PajamaBen_: *cop pulls me over* Have you been drinking? No I- *water bottle now full of wine* *officer lowers shades. its Jesus* No one will believe you