Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
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Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.