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@Thynebear: Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
@rolldiggity: Seems like Pizza Hut should be able to afford a house by now.
@littlelady899: My cardio is mostly just running out of excuses not to exercise.
@_Water_Baby: *at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
@TwatWaffler69: Wife: "they're disgusting, they carry diseases, they eat garbage!"
Me: are we talking about your parents, raccoons, or the kids?
@hbombmom: Friendly parenting reminder - as the weather starts to get nicer, don't forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.