Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
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there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
They鈥檙e creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation鈥檚 ketchup shortage.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
I鈥檓 not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don鈥檛.
There鈥檚 no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you鈥檙e all – ugh – I suppose you鈥檙e all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don鈥檛 help me I CAN DO IT
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
[at a restaurant]
Her: I鈥檓 going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Cause of death: Zumba
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
馃懢馃懢馃懢
Ocean鈥檚 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 馃檪
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.