Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
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What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
describing stardew valley
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
It do be feeling this way.