@Fred_Delicious: Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
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@Jeff_G_Nixon: 3yr old: [whispering] I have a secret "What it is, sweetie?" 3: [shouting] I POOPED! "Do you know what a secret is?" 3: [whispering] no.
@sbellelauren: thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn't want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
@AdinaSunny: Mother Earth: I'm not a regular mom. I'm a Cool Mom. [humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature] Earth: This is fine. I'm a Cool Mom
@le_buns: *reheats leftovers from yesterday's dinner date* *takes bite* *waiter from last night knocks on window* "how's everything tasting folks"