@Fred_Delicious: Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
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@kentgrossarth: I've been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won't tell me who's a good boy.
@iamspacegirl: SURPRISE! I scream, bursting from the vat of mashed potatoes. The other lunch ladies do not look surprised They do not look surprised at all
@david8hughes: [shipwreck diary] Day 3: dude next to me can hold his breath for 3 days. Going on 4. Very impressive.
@DaddyJew: Boss: you're late Me: traffic Carol: he was in his car taking selfies again Me: goddammit Carol, I will cut you