[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
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Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
when you are just born a rebel
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*