Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
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I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.