Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
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The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser