[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
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wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂