[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
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My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park