Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
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They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me