Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
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*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”