*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
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I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story