Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
You Might Also Like
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
kitchen magnet
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Watson was Holmes schooled