Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
You Might Also Like
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.