*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
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Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
o shit
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does