Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
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God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd