Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
You Might Also Like
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady