BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
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Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Girl, same.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.