BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
You Might Also Like
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She