Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
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I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
I’m so full I could puke a horse
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.