Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
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Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
This trial is so absurd 😭
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day