I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
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Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
be careful
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Zack Greinke stories are the best
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
12. I think about this all the damn time
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.