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Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher