[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
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Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
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