Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
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HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry