Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
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Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.