me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
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Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…