How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
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“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes