People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
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sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
bad
worse
worst
worchester
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.