BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
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Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.