Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
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Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.