Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
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Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
love it when they get my name right
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
I am, perchance
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor