Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
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why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Bring back the McRib
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.