Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
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My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors