@ginger_xtc: build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day. set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
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@squirrel74wkgn: [at restaurant] Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine's Day! How many? Me: Just one, thanks. Wife (clears throat): Two.
@jackiembouvier: Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
@Shanehasabeard: Home buying tips: -Up & coming area = Murders -Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders -Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
@myles_morrison: I can tell everything I need to know about a person by how they cut their sandwich. Diagonal = normal Straight = serial killer No cut = dad