A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
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Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Cucumbers Anonymous
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
monday
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
“I FIXED IT!”
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.