BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
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Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
British people be like I’m Bri ish
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?