BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
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they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.