*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
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Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
scrabbled eggs
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Me when my alarm goes off
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.