My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
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If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.