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[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really