My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
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The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
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I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.